Fiction & Essays

 

Where

Thoughts from an airport
on political geography

I like to keep track of the places I’ve been, to chronicle my travels and worldly experience. I love maps, and they’re handy for this, but they’re always designed around political borders, which are so woefully unhelpful. They don’t accurately describe where we’ve been. Not really. I want more from cartography. I want to visualize data, to accurately identify the places I’ve experienced. I want to see real geography, demography, to understand Earth more fully. I want to chart my life adventures on a map more empathic, more descriptive.

 
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Meditation

Being mindfully present
with a cup of coffee

I’m staring out the window. My eyes are pointed at a tree. Its empty branches sway in the cold wind. The color shifts as the sun peeks out through the clouds. I have anxiety about things, like so many leaves that cover summer trees. This barren tree speaks to me now. I’m not really looking at it, but through it, past its branches. Now I’m loosening. My shoulders relax, my eyes glaze over and my anxiety fades like the scattered sunlight into a grey overcast. The sky is a blanket. I snuggle into that. I imagine with every breath this wave crashing in slow motion and it suddenly hits me. For a moment, like the length of an orgasm, my mind becomes blissfully empty. 

 
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Inextinguishable Fire

Contemplating war
from an intellectualised distance

Maybe it’s impossible to comprehend great pain from the comfort of my life at the moment – the physical impossibility of death in the mind of someone living. And maybe this is the point of hegemony – to keep a populace pacified or ignorant while others are greatly exploited. But I want to relate to the world, to understand the complexities between societies, to perhaps connect to all earthly feelings through an open heart and analytical mind, however distant. I want to comprehend profound pain and ruin. It’s universal, so I think I can tap into it. I let go of my appeased body and whatever scattered thoughts remain adrift and I begin to consider suffering, to focus on it – the suffering of individuals and of populations. 

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Controversial Sensations

Pornography
in a someone else's house

My last orgasm was six days ago. Tomorrow will be a full week. Is it silly to make it a goal of going a whole week without coming? It’s silly – I don’t need to prove anything. I have the date with Phuong tonight; I could be super optimistic and plan on ejaculating then, but that’s a lot of unnecessary pressure and expectation. No, it’s probably best to go into that unburdened. And that is how my semen feels now: burdensome. It clouds my mind, makes me more anxious. I’ve got to expel it. It’s the healthy, prudent thing to do. It’s morning. It’s hot out. I have the apartment to myself and nowhere I have to be or go. Suddenly I’m full of excitement.

 
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There - a novel

The first several chapters
of a manuscript, by Keith Telfeyan

I was asked recently if I meditate, and now I’m wondering what that means. I think meditation has something to do with clearing your mind in way to be present, and I do that all the time. I’m doing it right now, actually, or trying to, at least: I’m staring off into space, breathing, waiting for a wave of blankness to wash over me. I say this like I’m totally conscious of it, but I’m not. It’s more instinctive, I think. The most conscious part is of time passing.

I’m staring out the window. My eyes are pointed at a tree. Its empty branches sway in the cold wind. The color shifts as the sun peeks out through the clouds. I have anxiety about things, like so many leaves that cover summer trees. This barren tree speaks to me now. I’m not really looking at it, but through it, past its branches. Now I’m loosening. My shoulders relax, my eyes glaze over and my anxiety fades like the scattered sunlight into a grey overcast. The sky is a blanket. I snuggle into that. I imagine with every breath this wave crashing in slow motion and it suddenly hits me. For a moment, like the length of an orgasm, my mind becomes blissfully empty.

Fade to white. Blankness. My head is tingling.

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